kittens and creams

luke* and i took in two three-week-old kittens last sunday and the past week has been quite possibly the most difficult time of my life.  (oh, the drama!)  while i anticipated bottle feeding kittens would be hard, it is much, much more trying than i thought.  it's a lot like having little twin human babies, except that these babies are so dependent that they can't even "eliminate" without being stimulated with a wet cotton ball.  so, i've spent the last week nervous and overwhelmed, chained to the apartment because i was too afraid to leave them home alone.  i tend to suffer from pretty intense cabin fever when i stay inside all day (for days), so i cried and felt hopeless and watched a lot of maury's paternity tests on daytime tv.  maybe i had postpartum depression from the arrival of our new cats.  additionally, my hopelessness was most definitely compounded by the outbreak of what very well could have been** ringworm on my neck.  yes, my neck.  so disgusting.  it made me even more insane because ringworm is just about the only disease that is communicable between humans and cats, and, with a grand total of four felines in the house these days, i washed my hands almost every five minutes, praying i wasn't accidentally infecting the very things i was supposed to be caring for.  it's also another reason i stayed inside, as having ringworm-esque rashes on your neck tends to be a tad humiliating.

blarg.

i'm better now, i think.  i've gotten into a rhythm with the kittens, and we've now worked out a regiment that allows them to sleep for a couple hours at a time, meaning i can take a walk to a neighborhood coffee shop and write, which i've been meaning to do for weeks.  coming out of last week, i realized that not once in the months since i graduated, or quite possibly in the years i was in college, did i sit down and really think about what i want to do with my time and with my life.  i'm sure now that academically, i want to continue with anthropology, and i'm applying to grad school to do just that.  however, in the interim, i need to come up with something that makes me happy, because most of things i've been doing to keep myself busy recently (with the exception of my volunteering) haven't been cutting it.  i don't want to feel like i'm wasting my life, but working as a grunt in retail doesn't really lead me to believe i'm doing anything else (and as countless resumes and interviews have proven, finding a "real job" is damn near impossible right now).  anyway, long story shorter, i'm going to start actively working on myself.

*i've decided i don't have the energy to make a code name spreadsheet, so you all will now have the opportunity to learn the real names of everyone i know.

**i say "could have been" for several reasons: a) i didn't go to a doctor, and therefore, as my grandpa always reminds me, i can't ever be sure; b) i'd rather not have had ringworm; c) it did, however, go away when i used anti-fungal cream twice a day.

winnnnds

today, the children's store i work in hosted a massive sale, during which i wandered outside to dig through some bins looking for something for a customer.  expecting to find nothing but bibs and security blankets, i was surprised to haul out two adult-sized, deliciously soft white robes, which i decided to use as shields against the terrible cold that has pervaded los angeles (and my apartment) in the last three days.  i immediately scooped them up and hid them away from the crowds and bought them when i left this afternoon.  they are perfect for blustery fall/winter weather.  they are body-shaped throw blankets.  they are fabulous.

also, the windy cold is making my skin freak out in way i haven't seen in quite some time, causing me much distress and panic.  i have a total of four/five (perhaps one is a dwarf pimple) new growths on my face this week and that makes me very nervous.  after all, i assaulted my body with accutane for six months nearly two years ago to get rid of that nastiness for the rest of my life, and i will not accept that the medication has already failed me.  i know, i know: all two of you, my grand audience members, think i'm being ridiculous - people break out.  however, as i discussed with my mother this morning, i have never just "broken out."  i have never had pimples that swept in briefly only to sweep out again.  my skin invaders came and stayed and created large, booming villages on my face, all the while surviving the several nuclear holocausts of benzoyl peroxide i inflicted upon them over the years.

and, so, while this "break out" is probably just that (fingers crossed), it has triggered this horrible wave of craziness inside of me, this fear of having to repeat the six teenage years of useless face creams and rounds of antibiotics and tearful pleas with dermatologists to please prescribe me accutane.  i really can't do that again.  everything i dislike about myself formed when i was covered in acne, and i cannot deal with it again now, just when i'm starting to get myself together.

in sum, this skin issue best be short-lived.

"and you're working in a store?" (not to be confused with, "and you want to work in a bakery?"*)

last night, i was selling tiny cashmere baby onesies to the los angeles elite when someone walked in wearing a sweatshirt from the university i just graduated from.  as we are encouraged to make conversation with our customers, i mentioned that i'd just finished undergrad there, and the sweatshirted man's wife replied, "and you're working in a store?" (at which point i wanted to curl into a ball on the floor and cry and cry about how my life is going nowhere and how panicked i am about going nowhere fast).  instead, though, i was hilariously self-deprecating and blamed the economy for how terribly difficult it is to find employment and laughed and laughed - to keep from weeping, i suppose.  it was really horrifically depressing, and i lost my enthusiasm and spent the rest of my closing shift tidying racks of tutus and avoiding talking to anyone else who could judge me and parrot back to me all the very sad and negative things i've been saying to myself for several months.

*this is what a potential employer said to me at my interview for an $8/hour position as a cashier at a neighborhood bakery.  in my defense, i did not know it was $8/hour when i applied.  also, i never called her back.

election talk!

ok, so i'm aware that no one cares what my political views are, and i understand that.  no one should.  however, i just finished watching the third katie couric/sarah palin interview, and i need very much to vent something.

i don't agree with palin's politics, at all, but i'm not going to call her names or denigrate her.  i don't agree with her, but i don't think she's stupid.  after watching those interviews, though, i think she's absolutely not ready to be the vice president of the united states.  even i, lowly as i am, can name a few supreme court cases i disagree with.  name them.  however, i don't believe her inability to do so is stupidity - it's just inexperience.

so, what really gets to me, actual political views aside, is that if she becomes the first female vice president (or president), she will not have achieved that on her own merit or because she is the best person for the job.  if she becomes our vice president, it will be because she was a pawn in a man's political strategy.  and that, i feel, is unacceptable.  that's not progress or feminism.  it's sad.

i want the united states to move on progressively and elect women and gay men and everyone and anyone who is qualified to hold office.  sarah palin is not.  and, so, we are very, very close to having our lauded first female vice president handed to us because she is controversial and good looking.

there's absolutely nothing to celebrate in that.

i'm melting...

i haven't posted since june.  jiminy christmas, that's a long time.  let's suffice to say that the last few months have been filled with incredible panics, fabulous upgrades and most importantly, my great struggle to become an adult.  it's working - slowly. 

mostly, i was inspired to post today because i cannot believe how hot it's been the last two days.  like, melting hot.  i spent today (and yesterday, in fact) working in an a/c-less guest house in west los angeles, answering letters from aspiring writers, reading manuscript submissions and just generally being miserable because i was constantly sweating and uncomfortable.  woe is me.

another terribly sad story is that i'm going to apply to grad school this fall, and hopefully start next fall.  my whole three months out of college have made me very wary of the "real world," as the land of milk and honey and professional, well-paying jobs promised to me after college graduation is really just a raging sea of unanswered sent resumes and retail positions.  i'm working retail, again, at an undisclosed location, which i would disclose if i thought that anyone read this blog and wanted to come in and buy something and boost my sales numbers and lighten the incredible stress load my by-the-hour job has burdened me with - but, alas, i know no one reads this blog and no one wants to come into the store and that i am stuck in retail purgatory until i go to grad school and get even more niche education so that i can graduate in three more years just as confused and disheartened and pretentious as i am now.  only smarter.

blarg.