Monday, November 28, 2011

i haven't posted in a long time mostly because i think i've been too miserable to articulate what my deal is.  and, just like that, my point is proven: ending that sentence with "what my deal is" is pretty much the ultimate cop-out and the best explanation for my blog disappearance.

on august 12, my grandpa hank died.  he'd been diagnosed with lung cancer (and copd) and had had ups and downs for the last five years, but when you're from a family where people live into their 90s as a matter of course and when the only deaths you've had to weather were those of great-grandparents, the thought that your father's father could die at 81 after being relatively stable for a long time just never really computes.  in fact, even now, i still haven't quite come to terms with it.  part of my issue is that while my relationships with my mom's parents and my maternal great-aunts have grown and flourished as i've become an adult, i didn't really known my paternal grandfather as anything more than the quintessential grandpa, who had unruly curly white hair, wore suspenders, loved antiques and christmas, and smoked a pipe as he rocked in his favorite chair.  he was so loving and kind to me and i have that to cherish, but ultimately, i feel like i knew my dad's dad like people know caricatures and it hurts me so deeply that i'll regret that for the rest of my life.  my great-grandmother edna, who lived until she was 97 in 2009, was one of the most hilarious, generous, outspoken and wonderful people i have ever known.  i miss her constantly and wish she was still here.  however, i knew her and therefore, don't regret wasting the time i could have had with her.  i didn't know my own grandfather and that's harder for me that i thought it would be.

in addition, this quarter has been particularly rough at school.  there are many facets to the problem, including that i'm taking solely required classes that have little to do with my degree, but i think the greatest issue is that i have officially stopped measuring my success in the world with how well i do in school/the fact that i'm graduate school/how many internships i've got.  suddenly, it all seems to mean less to me.  the reason for this is that i'm ready to be a functioning adult.  i'm ready to have the glorious stability that comes with having a secure job that pays me money.  the idea of pursuing a doctorate degree and incurring more debt makes me insane, so i think i'll be a terminal master's student (as if i'm surprised).  people like to tell me that at 25, i'm still too young to worry about money and that i should enjoy being in school.  however, the reality of being a relatively unemployed student living in los angeles is miserable.  i scramble every single month and despite making it a year and a half in grad school without asking my parents for much help, i am gladly accepting funds from them.  i'm full aware that i'm making it more miserable by not taking out yearly-salary type loans, but i almost feel like maybe all this craziness will be worth it in a year's time, when i don't have $80,000 in student loans to pay off when the program should have only cost $20,000.  ugh.  to just graduate already...