wowzers

i haven't posted in a while almost entirely because i've been a little miserable lately and despite trying to convey that in several entries over the last two weeks, i just couldn't feel good about blasting the internet with all the venom and crazy i've been feeling lately.  i'm not as much of a sadcloud now, having spent the last few mornings potting plants like a zen master and hanging a hammock in the backyard with luke and plotting out my summer vegetable garden/backyard bench plan.

here's the issue: i feel like i've been very selfish lately.  i used to be someone who did and did and did for other people, usually at my own expense.  it never mattered because i had the time and the energy and the general get-up-and-go to be for other people what i never could for myself; namely, a support system, a beaming, bouncing enthusiastic crazy who showed up to every event, dried every tear and was forever willing to go out of my way for my friends.  in the last year or so (possibly more), i've had to shut a lot of that part of me down.  i don't like it and i'm not excited about it, but i think i needed it.  thus, i have mixed feelings.  i've been passive about friendships and people i adore and have made a genuine second career out of bailing on plans and this makes me feel horrible, considering how much i love the people in my life and how terrible i know i've been to them.  on the flip side, since last year, i've gotten married, moved into a house (in an area that effectively puts me millions of miles away from any group of friends i've got), gotten a puppy (holy cannoli, if i'd only known...), been unable to find anyone willing to hire me, and, most insane of all, started grad school, which has kicked my ass all over town since september.  all these things have been a drain on my physical ability to do other things, as i'm always in my car driving the length of the city or at school studying and getting my ass handed to me by anatomy tests or at home eating milk chocolate and almond candy bars trying not to die from stress.  my inability to handle any more than what's on my plate at the moment is a bad thing.  i don't like being so consumed with things outside myself that i can't be a functioning member of my own life.

however, the last year has been incredible for me as a person.  i feel like i am more unapologetically myself than i ever have been.  for better or worse, i can now say whatever the hell is on my mind and if people think i'm out of my gourd, so be it.  i realized at a family party recently that there are units of my own extended family who have no idea what to make of me, and that's totally fine.  i rarely feel uncomfortable in my own skin these days and that is remarkable in itself considering i spent most of my formative years feeling like a hideous mutant that belonged up in a bell tower.

therefore, as insane as this year has been, as horrible as i've been at making plans and sticking to them, i know that ultimately, this is all good.  i have had time to do things for myself (although not necessarily by myself) and have had experiences that challenged me in ways i've never been challenged before.  i've learned to stick up for myself and my beliefs and i know now that regardless of any outside influence, i know who i am and what i stand for and i would gladly do this whole breathless, crazy year over again if it meant getting this much clarity about my life.

to sum: i apologize to everyone i haven't seen in ages.  just know that while i've been an absentee friend, i've also been a whirling dervish.