panic attack

lately, i've been really good at making plans and cancelling them.  i've been feeling pretty terrible about it, considering there are people i adore who i haven't seen in actual months and that's totally unacceptable.  however, it is now only wednesday and this week has kicked my ass so hard that i'm amazed i'm still showing up to work and school.  between working every weekday morning, filling as a babysitter monday night, having class tuesday and wednesday nights and the promise of full days in lab on thursdays, every second of every day is either already accounted for or becomes incredibly important spare time for sleeping or talking to luke for five seconds.  i don't think it would be as torturous if i didn't live so far from school, but as it is, even leaving my house at noon means contending with at least 45 minutes in traffic to get to campus.

i get that everyone is busy, so i also understand that perhaps my own personal busy-ness isn't impressive enough to be a valid excuse for why i'm mia while in school.  however, even if the plan was to go eat cupcakes with jude law in spain i'd probably be too exhausted to leave the couch (which is not to say, of course, that cupcakes and celebrities are more important than the real people in my life).

a lot of the anxiety that keeps me glued to my house is probably caused by the recent realization that i'm most likely repeating the same mistake i made as an undergraduate: namely, i'm getting a degree in something super obscure, therefore dooming myself to the same post-graduation misery i experienced after college, only times ten thousand because i'll be five years older and even less employable.  why didn't i just go to business school?  at least then, after completing my imprisonment, i'd be able to secure a job as the chief operating officer of coordinating bullshit job titles i'm 24 and don't understand.  i'm considering getting a simultaneous second master's degree in psychology so that i have some hope and when i tell people that they say, "oh, you career student!" which instantly makes me hate them.  i'm not a career student.  i'm just an idiot who didn't realize the only people who get employed with BAs are communications or economics majors.

i read yesterday that bristol palin got paid over $250,000 to pose with her son in some candies brand advertisements all about what a mistake teen pregnancy is.  if only i'd known at 17 that all i needed to make it in the world was to get john mccain to fall in lecherous love with my mother, i'd have done things differently.

even just typing that sentence, as a joke, pisses me off.  sarah palin's daughter made more money in a day than i'll make in the next five years by nationally flaunting proof that her mother's abstinence-only views are huge fails.  lovely.