maximum sentences

long, long ago, i got a speeding ticket.  i was in my second year of college, so that was four years ago.  i did an online traffic school, which was awesome because i was able to fly through the webpages, take the quizzes and i finished the entire course in like two hours.

fast forward to today, when i signed on for my second online traffic school.  i got a speeding ticket in november for going 80 mph on the freeway at 9 pm.  let me repeat that: 80 mph on the freeway at 9 pm.  now, my father the lawyer would say i still broke the law, which i suppose is true.  however, i believe i was going slower than most people around me, so how i won the lottery, i will never know.  maybe it was my flashy car, with its rear-ended bumper and two missing hubcaps that made the officer think i had the money to burn on a traffic ticket.  blarg.

so, two hours ago, i started traffic school.  and guess what?  this is truly horrifying so prepare yourselves.  apparently, online traffic schools are now mandated by the courts to enforce time minimums for each page of instruction.  for example, if i finish reading a page in 3 minutes (which happens on or around 100% of the time because i'm a crazy fast reader), i can't advance to the next page until the 12 minute clock has rundown.

are. we. serious.  doing traffic school this way will probably be more painful than if i had just gone to the comedy school in person for eight hours (my grandpa scored a ticket around the same time i did* and suggested we go together, but i scoffed at the idea of spending all day on it when i could just do it at my own chosen speed online.  little did i know.).

so, i got through 6 webpages in an hour and had to take a break.  just even saying "six webpages equals one hour" is so mind-numbing, i can't even believe it.  go read a full page of text on the internet somewhere, time yourself and multiply it by 6.  i will guarantee that even if you read it in your fourth language, your time will be remarkably less than 60 minutes.

how am i going to handle this?


*obviously, i come from a long line of badass speeders.  although, to his credit, my grandpa was speeding on his way to get the giant MRSA infection on his leg taken care of, so i guess he had someplace pretty important to get to.