i initially began this post on campus, where suddenly my computer decided not to connect to the campus wireless. this was a total non-issue, as i had no work to do online and i just really wanted to pass the two hours until class answering emails and checking facebook, but for some reason, this really enraged me. this kind of rage appears only occasionally, only when technology that has always been reliable suddenly fails. for example: suddenly my cable box doesn't communicate with my tv? suddenly my computer doesn't recognize the campus internet i've been accessing with no problem for two months? gah. most of the frustration comes from not understanding how to fix it, i suppose. whatever, i still technically blogged, though, so screw you, internet connection.
let's see, so much to discuss. as they say, perhaps i should begin at the beginning. unfortunately, the preschool situation wasn't nearly as sweet and adorable as it promised to be. i don't want to get into the particulars on the interwebs, but suffice to say that it was a terrible environment, both personally and professionally, and it consumed my life and made me sick. this past winter, i decided not to apply to education master's programs, and to instead focus my attention back on the forensic anthropology program i didn't get into last year. i had a much clearer idea of why i wanted to be part of the program and i had a hell of a lot more motivation (i.e. i needed an escape hatch out of the preschool nosedive). anyway, at the end of it all, i'm right where i always should have been: back in school, pursuing something i absolutely love, (mostly) drama free. it feels good. i feel like a grown-up (almost).
a few days after i posted that ridiculous bitchy rant about the wedding and the 60th anniversary party perhaps being on the same day, we found out my grandpa has lung cancer. this, of course, made any sort of issue i had about the party seem completely disgusting. i'm keeping the post up, even though it's a little bit shameful and humiliating, because i think it's important for me to remember what is actually important; namely, that i HAVE grandparents who made it to their 60th wedding anniversary and who i love dearly.
i'm working on trying to be content where i am, which i believe is a resolution i have made approximately 10,000 times since i was old enough to have such deep, intelligent ponderings of the universe. as old as it is, though, it's still important and definitely worth attempting. at some point, while desperately clawing up the rungs of the success ladder, you come to realize that there is no ultimate, no point at which you'll decide, hey this is the best and i'll never want for more. everyone has goals, EVEN after they've reached previous goals. therefore, constantly pining over what you haven't achieved yet is just destining yourself to a life of never being happy or grateful or fulfilled by your current situation. that sucks. i've been living in that dark place of jealousy and crazy for a few years now, as i've watched some people get married or into school (before i did those things) or buy houses or have babies or just generally "have lives." suddenly, i realized that i myself having been "having a life" all this time too. that's not at all to say that i won't keep striving for more, because there are definitely things i want to accomplish and attain that i don't have at the moment (like, say, enough money to pay off my credit cards or buy my own car). however, i'm just gonna stop bitching so much and just BE HAPPY. i can't even believe that has to be a life philosophy - why can't that just happen?
also, i've started walking dogs. for moderate profit. it's a super bizarre thing to say that you do and an even weirder thing to actually do, considering it requires that you access strangers' keys, enter strangers' houses and hang out with their animals. someone in my grad program referred me to the company and i got hired in about three seconds. my first assignment was to take a rottweiler up in the mountains and hike with her for an hour and a half, which of course made me want to pass out and throw up at the same time. it was more exercise than i'd gotten in about a year. so sad and yet so very true.
i think perhaps this is due to my brand new outlook on life, but i'm really truly happy right now. i was never outright miserable, but i wasn't enjoying my life and the people in it like i should have been. now, i'm genuinely loving every thing i do: every family get together i attend, every movie i watch with luke, and i'm even loving hiking up giant mountains with fierce canines. i could seriously get used to this.
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