the truth is, though, the entire family is pretty devastated by her death. in this family of women and the men who love them, she was the matriarch. she was the unspoken head of everything, the queen. she infused all the people i love with the kindness and genuine goodness i associate with my family. she's the reason my great-aunts are two of my closest friends, the reason my grandparents talk to me like we're peers, and most of all, she's why we all put up with each other - we're family. she was responsible for this life i've been so lucky to live and now she's gone and i'm not entirely sure how to handle it.
we went to the funeral yesterday morning early, so we could gather around with my grandparents, my great-aunts, my aunts and uncles and cousins to see my grandma before the service started and, having only seen one other dead body in person before in my life, i can safely say it's the most bizarre, terrible thing to see a person you love that way. she was wearing her favorite sweater and a pearl pin, the same outfit i discovered today as i went through old pictures she wore to my brother's bar mitzvah last year (a discovery which of course made me hysterical). her makeup was done, her nails had been painted since the last time i saw her alive last week. still, though, it wasn't her. her force, her personality, was gone and i don't know how to reconcile that. maybe if i were religious i wouldn't feel so lost about this. as it is, though, my grandma truly was larger than life, so to think that that energy isn't here anymore is insanely difficult.
the last time i saw her healthy, we talked about how much she'd done, how many stories she had to tell, and how she wanted so desperately to tell them. i said, "well, grandma, i'll be back. and i'll bring a pen." to which she replied, hilariously, "is that a threat?"
it was a promise. i'm sorry we didn't have time. i love you.
1 comment:
I am so sorry Sarah. You wrote the post well.
I have only been to one funeral in all my life, so I kind of know how you feel. I am really starting to feel old and hating that fact. Everyone in my family that I looked up to when I was a child are getting older and their health issues seem to be getting more complicated as the months go by. I am always hearing of this person and that person being sick and them saying its just a part of aging. I really don't like it anymore. Anyways if you ever need to talk, I am here. Oh and I hope you got my Christmas card. I sent it to the address tht you had when you sent us the hats.
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